I enjoyed a mixed relationship with Kim Jong-il's North Korea. I spent a ton of time there, and in that time I had a lot of fun, but the fun evaporated whenever I was getting thrown out of Pyongyang's only nightclub, or held hostage in Rason for tweeting jokes about the Great Leader. I'll always be thankful that the North Korean guards seeking to protect the Hermit Kingdom from vile foreign bodies such as myself saw fit to release me after spending a few hours trying to convince me that my life might be over.
This incident earned my passport a blacklist stamp, but luckily I was taking pictures most of the way. Hopefully Kim Jong-un can take a joke better than his dad can hey Kim, your head is fat! He was cool, but at 3AM started screaming: "On the bus you drunk bastards! Or I'll take your passports and you'll stay in fucking North Korea forever! A farmer passes us by in a showpiece collective farm in Kangwon Province. When I asked to take a picture of this administrative centre I was told "fine", but first I had to wait 10 minutes for them to find a clerk twiddling his thumbs elsewhere to set up in front of me and look like he was doing something important.
This picture isn't from the schoolroom, but the wall of a doctor's office inside the Pyongyang Friendship Hospital. One of my travelling party decided to get drunk and try jumping onto a moving train leaving the capital β he slipped and broke his leg. Street view in historic Kaesong city, one of the few areas not completely bombed flat during the Korean War. The traffic girls of Pyongyang hold a special place in the hearts and minds of libidinally charged Korean men.
This painting was doing it for me too. This soldier's job was to point at a geographically inaccurate map of the de-militarized zone between North and South Korea and tell us repeatedly that we were on the brink of World War III. On the steps up to the Pyongyang Martyrs Cemetery, we were forced to bow and lay wreaths 5 euros each to fallen communist war heroes.
Here we are on the last live border of the Cold War. That gravel beyond the concrete division line is South Korea, and those white people in the background look like bankers on a day trip from Seoul, wondering why I'm on the Northern side waving at them. Any visitor to Kaesong, the historic capital of unified Korea, will be familiar with this view. The guides drive you to the top of the hill and go, 'This is Kaesong!
